January 11, 2012

Wait for It.........

8:17 a.m.
I've waited long enough to take der hund on his morning tour du pee...
It's still so dark....and foggy...... again. 
Pretty warm out. Don't need gloves.  Should I take the camera?

Street lights glow on a back street.  They quietly divert my mind from my restless night.
My racing, rambling mind runs questioningly this dark morning.
What if it's not enough?  What if I'm not enough?  What if I didn't push them enough to be enough?
Insecurities pounded back my sleep the night before, leaving me as hazy as my village.

This mama has often stood alone during this assignment.  Keeping it all together, so everyone else can keep it all together.  At times, the job of holding up the power lines gets tiring.  Faltering is not an option.  Prayer is.

We've had countless 'discussions' these last 30 months, He and I.  Circumstances and simple geography have hindered my cultivation of deep human girly, mama, friendships.  Farming relationships is just hard work.  I think He planned it that way.  I think He wanted to be my first and last resort for a time.  To have me just to Himself.  I think He wanted me to see a different side of Him.
 He knows my 'mission' and my husband's to boot, though both are rarely talked about openly. Few understand. My mission is to train the kids' ears to hear from Him what their life's mission will be AND to support the man with a mission from the USAF.

The paths where He's led me on this tour were not where I would have journeyed.  He knows my never ending capacity to want to see it all.  To know.  TO KNOW.

Lord, I need to KNOW!
"Oh baby, I'm thinking you really don't"

What happens when I KNOW?  When there's no hazy horizon?  When I can see for miles?

Ah, then I don't have to trust.  My senses aren't pricked to His still small voice.  I don't wonder at His ways, or Word.  I don't feel His lap when I need His hug.

Yes, He knows me.
He also knows when I'm tired. When I need a glimpse. Just a little. Into tomorrow.
I'd been out there for an hour or so (or 30 months?) noticing the beauty of the simplicity JUST in front of me. That's all I could see. That's all I can see.

  Then suddenly, the sky colors a little pink.

 Through the thick, cloudy haze, how can that be a glow I see?

"Just stick with me baby!  You can't see it right now, but the future is brilliant."

He gave me a glimpse.  The horizon was still hazy.  It IS still hazy.

What's just in front of me is clear.  Down the path, not so much.

But His brilliance pales it all.

 Clouds will always reside in the sky.  Circumstances will hide Him sometimes. 

Faith is knowing the sunrise happens whether we see it or not.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Della! Beautiful photos. Perfect prose. (I so appreciate your ability to eloquently express your heart... and my heart... and I'm sure the hearts of many other women.)


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